Wrestling with God

Wrote this a couple of years ago, after a period of faith struggle. I've seen a lot of growth in these last two years, but it's good to look back and remember that faith isn't something that we should take for granted, and genuine faith rarely comes easily. 

     For the last few years, I've been exploring the meaning of my faith. Do I really believe that Jesus is the son of God, and if I do, what does that mean to me? How can I have a relationship with a God I can't measure or verify with any of the five senses I've been given? If I believe, how much am I willing to risk for Him?


     This has been a period of transition for me. I wanted to move away from being someone who just goes to church or simply goes through the motions. I was being moved forward by momentum only, and my forward progress was slowing. But what was I transitioning to? I had to be willing to say that, if necessary, I could transition to being a non-believer. I had to be willing to let the search take me where ever it went.


     Well, after 4 long years of struggle, I want to publicly reaffirm my faith in Christ. I genuinely believe that there is a God. I wholeheartedly believe that Jesus is God's Son and His death on the cross has covered my many sins. I am more aware now, than ever, of my need for forgiveness and my total dependence on the grace of God.


     This faith demands that I be different. I have hope, and hope should change the kind of person I am. By God's grace, from this day forward, I want to live my life differently.


     For these last 4 years, I've been a difficult person to be around ( if not the last 54 ) , because I've challenged everything. Some of that was just me being me ( sorry about that ), but some was a genuine attempt to make sense of how I could relate to an invisible God. Fortunately, I think God likes it when we wrestle with Him. I think He appreciates genuine contact.


     I can't say that all of my questions have been answered. There's a lot that, for now, is a matter of faith ... but it's not a blind, stupid faith. I'm going to keep asking questions, because I want to be authentic in my faith. I want Jesus to define this for me. I have no interest in behaving, believing, or acting in a certain way, just because others in the church behave, believe or act a certain way. It's clear that I need to look to " Jesus the author and perfecter of our faith" to find out what it means to be a christian. So, please bear with me, while I figure that out.